


lovesick

by flow3rs, mischief_managed



Series: Epidemic [1]
Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Character Death, Depression, Drunk Sex, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Horny Teenagers, I hope you like it, Jade Thirlwall - Freeform, Jealous Louis, Love Triangles, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Suicide, Niall Horan - Freeform, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Sexual innuendos, Triggers, bulimic!Niall, dick sucking lmao?, hi, it switches pov, lame title, one direction - Freeform, this is horrible, this is my first fanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-25 17:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3818509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flow3rs/pseuds/flow3rs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischief_managed/pseuds/mischief_managed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is a disease and I think I'm infected.</p><p>It's an epidemic, really. One person after the others seems to be getting the tick. They're dropping like flies. The usual symptoms of love start out small but get worse and worse over time.</p><p>1) A warm feeling in your chest<br/>2) Butterflies in your stomach<br/>3) Nervousness<br/>4) Inability to sit still<br/>5) Excessive and obsessive thoughts<br/>6) Change in personality<br/>7) Inability to sleep<br/>8) Impulsive thoughts or actions<br/>9) Separation Anxiety<br/>10) and in some cases: death.</p><p>But it doesn't always end up like that. Sometimes it's even worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first fan fiction ever! It's probably going to be awful, I don't know hehe. Please tell me what you think and leave kudos! Any criticism is appreciated because I really have no idea what I'm doing.
> 
> Also, I ran out of people to make into characters so I just added some British youtubers???? idk
> 
> ALSO I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SCHOOLS IN THE UK WORK???? LIKE I TRIED TO LOOK IT UP AND I JUST DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL LMAO. SO BASICALLY THEY'RE JUST IN THEIR LAST YEAR OF SECONDARY SCHOOL AND THEY'RE 17 OK. IF I MESSED ANYTHING UP JUST TELL ME LOL.
> 
> I HOPE YOU ENJOY! :)

Love is a disease and I think I'm infected.

It's and epidemic, really. One person after the others seems to be getting the tick. They're dropping like flies. The usual symptoms of love start out small but get worse and worse over time.

1) A warm feeling in your chest  
2) Butterflies in your stomach  
3) Nervousness  
4) Inability to sit still  
5) Excessive and obsessive thoughts  
6) Change in personality  
7) Inability to sleep  
8) Seperation Anxiety  
9) Impulsive thoughts or actions  
10) and in some cases: death.

But it doesn't always end up like that. Sometimes it's even worse.

***********  
Niall's POV

I have always been the type of guy who was friends with everyone. No matter what clique someone was in, I'd try to be to be friends with them. I'd try to make them feel like they mattered, like someone cared about them. There was no such thing as a "loner" at my school. If I ever saw anyone alone, I would go sit with them. Like yeah, of course I had my own group of close friends, but I still wanted to make everyone feel included.

But as much as everyone liked me, as much as I made everyone feel like they mattered, there was a dark secret I was hiding.

The only reason I want to make people feel good is because I feel the exact opposite. I don't feel good about myself. I'm not cared about. I don't matter.

And... I'm bulimic. Yes. I am a guy and I'm bulimic. I've alway been self-conscious about my body. Masculine, I know. No one know about my problem and I want it to stay that way. That's why I always act so confident. No one. suspects. a thing.

It's funny, though because at school I'm known as "the eater." That's my secret skill, you see, I eat everything I can, that way my stomach will be overstuffed and it's easier to bring it all back up. No one really cares that I go to the bathroom during 7th period everyday. No one ever wonders why I always have a pack of mint gum handy so my breath doesn't smell like vomit. No one ever notices my clothes are a little too loose on me. No one questions why I always stay an hour after football practice just to work myself a little harder.

I've been bulimic since I was 12. I had always been fine with my looks until one day in the locker room I noticed all the boys with their fit, flat stomachs and lean, muscular legs that I realized that my body wasn't as nice as everyone else's. I felt so ashamed that from that day forward I changed in the bathroom stalls. I got some weird looks, of course. But anything was better than having people judge my body.

I'm 17 now and nothing has really changed. Of course once in a while I'll eat something and actually keep it in my stomach. But when I do it doesn't last long. I feel guilty when I eat something and don't immediately bring it back up.

5 years it's been since I started doing this to myself. 5 years and not one person has noticed. 5 years and for some reason I'm not dead yet. 5 years of so much self-hatred.

It's hard, being so nice to people all the time, but I think everyone needs a little love in their life.

 

At least that's what I need.


	2. A Warm Feeling in Your Chest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So the way my story is going to work is that every chapter is going to be a different "symptom" of love so you can see how this pair eventually falls in love with each other.
> 
> sorry if this is horrible omg
> 
> also this is technically chapter one
> 
> btw chips r french fries in the uk apparently!!!

**Niall POV**

We're sitting back on the trees, laughing and eating out lunch.

"Hey, Niall!" Cara, a girl in our grade calls from the school courtyard.

"Hi, Cara!" I yell back.

"You're playing in the football match tonight, right?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"I'll surely be there to cheer you on then," she smiles and turns away, walking over to her friends. It was lunch time at school and my best friends Louis, Liam, Harry and Zayn were sitting on the ground like we usually did. It was April now and starting to get warmer.

"Just go out already, mate!" Liam teases me, smirking. The other boys coo and laugh.

"We're just friends! We barely even talk, anyway," I shrug to the brunette boy.

"You don't think she's hot?" Harry questions.

I have to admit, Cara was pretty, but she definitely wasn't someone I'd go out with. Not that there was anything wrong with her, but there are just those people you'd rather stay platonic with.

"Of course she's hot. I'm just not into her like that, okay?" The rest of the boys shrug and keep eating. I stuff a bunch of chips in my mouth and wash them down with my iced tea. I hate iced tea.

"Niall do you want the rest of my sandwich?" Louis asks me, holding out a half-eaten chicken salad sandwich. It honestly looks fucking disgusting but I take it anyway. I think I might just puke looking at it but I eat the rest of it down relatively fast. I'm chewing like an idiot when I notice a girl I have never seen before. She has light brown hair and is wearing an oversize blue sweater with jeans rolled up and white converse high tops. She's looking around aimlessly while taking bits out of an apple and scrolling through her phone.

"Hey, who's that girl over there? Sitting on the bench," I ask to no one in particular.

"That's Jade," Harry replies, "She's been going to school with us since last year."

"What?!? That's a lie!"

"Nope. She's in History with us, mate."

I was dumbfounded. I knew everyone at this school. How did  not know her? I pop a piece of gum inside my mouth before I start walking over to her. (Don't want my breath smelling like chicken salad when I talk to her, do I?) I walk slowly toward the bench where she sits. She doesn't notice me until I speak up.

"Hey, is it okay if I sit here?" she turns her face to me, then and my are struck with the most beautiful chocolatey brown eyes with gold flecks that shimmer in the sunlight.

"Yeah sure," she says, moving her bag a bit for me to sit and focusing back on her phone. I take the seat and just stay there for a second, pondering my next move. Everything I was going to say to her has disappeared from my mind.

"I'm Niall," I blurt out. She flinches, surprised and just looks at me before she replies.

"Uh, I'm Jade," she answers, but its sounds more like a question. She looks at me with her brown doe eyes and confusion spread across her face. I didn't notice before but there is a small bow in her hair.

"How come I've never seen you around before?" I look at her curiously.

"We have three classes together," Jade states, simply. "Maths, History, and English." She pushes a piece of her brunette locks behind her ears and looks down at the ground.

"Oh. Well, maybe I can walk you to English after lunch, since we're in the same class and all," I give her a cheeky smile. She blushes and smiles and something in my heart stirs.

  1. **A Warm Feeling in Your Chest**



It's like her smile has brightened my entire day. I feel like the whole entire sun has exploded in my chest. I feel warm and fuzzy inside when I look back at her and she replies, smiling, "Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no hate to chicken salad sandwiches!!1!1


	3. Butterflies in Your Stomach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niall and Jade are the main couple in this story. Side Zouis and unrequited Zerrie. Whatever you'll find out if you keep reading!!

**Jade POV**

Niall Horan is walking me to class.  _Niall Horan._  As in popular, funny, cute, captain of the football team, Niall Horan. As flattered as I am, I'm also confused as fuck. Niall was basically friends with every person in this school, as in there are so many other people he can walk to class with. Why me? As we're walking down the hallway, I notice he keeps side eyeing me. Not like he's judging me, but with a smug curiosity.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?" We stop walking then, and he turns to face me.

"Because you're so cute," he says, winking at me with his startling blue eyes.

  1. **Butterflies in your stomach**



He is so close to me right now that I could see every little freckle on his face. I can see how soft his lips look. I can see how his eyes crinkle a bit when he smiles. I can see that his cheeks are a bit hollow and it all makes my stomach churn. I feel like I'm about to burst at the sight of him. I've always thought Niall was cute, always had a little crush on him. But seeing him this vividly makes him look even more beautiful than I ever thought.

I look away form him then, realizing we were just standing in the middle of the hallway staring at each other. We walk in our English classroom just a few feet away.

"Thanks," I I say as he sits down in his seat in the front of the classroom.

"What for?" he questions.

"For walking me to class. Oh, and for saying I was cute."

"Oh," Is he blushing? "Yeah, sure, anytime." I walk over to my desk all the way in the back, next to my best friend, Perrie. She's smirking at me when I plop down in my seat.

"What?" I eye her questioningly. "What? Why are you looking at me like you know something I don't?"

"Is that Niall Horan you were talking to?" and somehow her smirk gets even bigger.

"Yeah..."

"That's interesting," she says, cocking her head to the side, "Why?"

"I was just thanking him."

"For getting you whipped?"

"No!" Jesus Christ, Perrie. "For walking me to class," and with that she starts squealing and hitting me on the arm.

"Shut up! He did not!" and now people are starting to stare at us, including Niall. He chuckles and waves at us. I wave back awkwardly. Perrie has her hand over her mouth to keep herself from screaming. He turns back around and Perrie starts hitting my arm again.

"Can you cut that out?"

"Tell me EVERYTHING!"

"Only if you stop, Perrie."

"Okay, okay. Fine," she takes a deep breath and folds her hands in her lap.

"So, I was just eating an apple at lunch, you know on my usual bench outside. But I was all alone because, you know, Leigh-Anne's out with the flu and Jesy was in the library working on her project. So I was just sitting there and  _Niall Horan_ walks up to me and asks me if he can sit with me and OBVIOUSLY in my head I'm like, 'Holy shit! Of course!' but on the outside I'm like, 'Uh, yeah, sure." You know because I don't wanna seem to eager..." and that's when I realize the rest of the class is quiet and the teacher is looking directly at me.

"Unless you want to share your love story with the entire class, I suggest you be quiet, Ms. Thirlwall," Mr. Cowell says to me, his eyes boring into my soul through the small glasses perched on the tip of his nose. Everyone snickers and I shrink in my seat.

"Can I go to the toilet?" Niall asks, his hand raised.

"Of course, Mr. Horan. But be back soon, you don't want to miss this lesson." Niall chuckles and leaves the room. The rest of the class is a complete bore. Mr. Cowell was completely lying when he told Niall he shouldn't miss the lesson. He's lucky he went to the loo when he could. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during that class 5 times? Maybe 6? Who cares, the point is I am bored and annoyed and embarrassed. The sound of the dismissal bell cannot be more welcome.

I grab my books and rush out of the classroom with Perrie by my side. When we get to our lockers, which are conveniently right next to each other, I see Niall walking toward me from his locker across the hall. He smiles, leaning against my locker.

"If I knew your locker was so close to mine I would've come here more often," he says winking at me.

"Oh?"

"So are you going to the football match tonight? We're going against Churchill Prep."

"Oh, you're playing?" I never really liked going to the school football matches since everyone was so rowdy, but maybe if Niall was playing...

"Well, yeah I'm kind of the captain of the team."

"Oh, yeah of course! Duh," Wow I'm even more awkward than I thought I was!

"So you'll go?" he asks with a sheepish grin and puppy dog eyes. I think I may have just died a little inside.

"I'll be sure to cheer you on!" I reply, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and closing my locker. We stand there awkwardly for a second before Niall says, "So can we, like, exchange numbers? You know so you can text me when you get there, or whatever," I can see just the hint of a blush on his cheeks before he pulls out his phone for me to take. I take it and give him mine as well.

**Jade♡♡♡ :)**

I put as my contact name with cute emojis and when we hand each other back our phones, I notice he puts his contact name as ♡ **NIALLER♡.** I smile to myself.

"Niall, come on now, mate we gotta start practicing for the big game!" A brown haired boy calls from behind us. I think his name is Louis?

"Yeah, yeah," Niall calls back, "So I'll see you tonight?"

"You sure will," he smiles and I wave goodbye as he turns and walks into the boys locker room. I turn around and Perrie is standing at her locker, still. Does this girl ever stop smirking?

"I can't believe he invited you to his football match! And you exchanged numbers! And the way he smiles at you! Ohmigod. He has a massive crush on you, I can tell."

"Oh stop it!" I say as she clings to my arm, giddy. We get unto her car and start driving to her house.

"Is it okay if I come with you?" Perrie asks me as we're at a red light.

"Of course. Why?"

"You know that guy, Zayn?" I groan a tired 'yes.' Perrie is basically in love with Zayn. She never shuts up about him.

"Well he's playing tonight, too and Niall's friends with him so maybe he can hook me up," she says with a mischievous grin plastered on her face.

"Oh Lord. And you say I'm whipped." We laugh and pull up into the driveway of her 2-story home. My phone buzzes just as I get out of the car.

 **♡NIALLER♡** : heyo! x

 **You:** hi! what time is the game?

 **♡NIALLER♡:** 6:00 sharp :)

 **You:** can't wait to see u play :)

 **♡NIALLER♡:** cant wait to see your cute face in the crowd ;)♡

 

And with that my stomach does cartwheels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been getting a lot of good feedback on this and it's making me v happy thank you all :)
> 
> and yes their english teacher's name is Mr. Cowell lol fight me!!1
> 
> also I apologize for "churchill prep" honestly im so american sorry and they go to THATCHER SECONDARY SCHOOL lmao i hate myself


	4. Nervousness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i have no clue where im going with this chapter its gonna be long af

**Niall POV**

Our team ran around the football field, passing and dribbling the black and white ball to each other . Our school colors were white, black, and blue and our jerseys had a tiger on them. Since it was a home game, we were wearing our white and black uniforms. Except for Zayn. Since he was our goalie he was wearing blue.

"Boys, do partner passes!" Coach Higgins calls from the sidelines.

"Louis! Pass with me!" I yell to my shaggy haired best friend. He runs toward me while dribbling a ball and kicks it toward me. I run towards it and stop it with the top of my foot. We pass it back and forth and see people start filling in the empty bleachers.

"So Zayn told me you invited Jade to come to the match?" Louis says smirking, and kicks the ball to me again.

"Uh huh..." I slowly reply and pass the ball back to Louis.

"She's pretty cute, don't you think? I mean, not that I'm into girls or anything," he kicks the ball. I stop it.

"I guess," I kick the ball to him.

"What about Cara?" He kicks the ball. I stop it.

"I already told you, I don't like her like that," I kick the ball to him.

"K." He doesn't kick the ball to me this time. Rather, he kicks it in the goal right when Coach shouts at us to huddle over. 

"Churchill Prep has just arrived. They'll be practicing on the other side of the field. There's about an hour before the game starts, so we really have to put our all into everything we do. Get out on the field and do 2 defense vs. 3 offense, scoring on Zayn. We got this boys!" We all cheer and start running on the field toward Zayn in the goal.

"Two lines on each side of the goal and three all across the restraining line!" I order. We got into equal lines and Zayn throws the ball to the right lines first. Liam stops it with this chest while Josh Devine tries to defend and take the ball away. Liam quickly does a double take on him and passes the ball to Nick Grimshaw who has Louis guarding him. Nick quickly passes the ball to Luke Hemmings who dribbles the ball and goes in for the goal. It was about to go in when Zayn quickly swats it away with his hands. He is one of the best goalies in the division and we are lucky to have him.

"Nice one, Zed!" Louis says, hi-fiving him.

"Thanks, mate," he says with a sheepish grin. I've noticed those two are getting a lot closer lately.

I turn to look at the bleachers and see a familiar head of brown turned talking to a blonde girl. Jade. I feel a buzz in my pocket and see that my phone has a new text message.

**Jade♡♡♡:): im here! i see u on the field**

I look up at the bleachers again to find her waving at me. She is wearing a hoodie with the school coat of arms, jeans, and black TOMS with her hair down. I wave back at her, smiling. There is so much pressure on me tonight.

**3\. Nervousness**

The Churchill Prep Bears are our school's rivals. They had won against us for two years now after a five year streak. It was a tough loss for everyone. This year however, our team has improved so much and we won every game. But so did the Bears and we finally had to go up against them. **  
**

Not only that, but there are scouts coming tonight. These guys are here to recruit and sign some of th best guys on to pro and uni teams. We have to play even better than the best if we want to be signed.

And then there's Jade. Frankly, I think she is what's making me the most nervous. I don't know why, but seeing her there laughing with her friend, Perrie, pointing at the blokes they think are cute (I'm guessing) makes me feel like I have to impress her or something. I mean, I invited her, right? Why would I invite her if I didn't want to show off my skills? But what if she was already going to go to the match, anyway? Maybe she doesn't care about my moves and is just a really big football fan. I think my brain is about to explode, when I hear someone calling my name from the crowd.

"Niall! Niall, look I'm over here! I told you I'd come!"

I look over to the stands and see a dark blonde waving at me. Who the fuck is that?

"Niall! It's Cara!" Oh shit, oops. Totally forgot she was coming.

"Oh. Hey!" I call and wave to her. It seems Cara has decided to bring all her little girls along with her. They all coo and wave to me. I give an uncomfortable smile and wave to them as well. I feel a small arm sling around my shoulders.

"Oh look, is that Cara Delevigne? The girl who's pining after you?" Louis says with a sarcastic tone, pointing her out in the bleachers. "And is that her best friend, Barbara Palvin, who was your girlfriend for a year and a half who then proceeded to cheat on you with Nathan Sykes, the captain of Churchill Prep's football team? And look! It's Jade Thirlwall! The girl you're suddenly fancying," I blushed at the thought of all these girls being in the vicinity of each other. It just made me even more nervous.

"And look! They're all sitting with each other. Fantastic!" I don't think I've ever wanted to punch Louis more than I wanted to right now. "Welp! It's your turn for 3v2! Go get em' Tiger!" he pats my back and walks to the back of the line.

"Niall! Ball!" Zayn shouts, throwing the ball high in my direction. I jump, stopping it with my head. Once it hits the ground I quickly pass it to Jack Harries before Harry can get on me and steal the ball. Jack then kicks the ball backwards to Mikey Clifford who' completely open since Jack's twin brother, Finn was busy trying to defend the goal and didn't realize that Jack would make such a skilled move. Mikey passes it to me again and I cut through Harry while dribbling and Harry tries to hustle to goalside but he's too slow and I make a huge kick. Zayn tries to jump to catch the ball but it goes straight past his hands and into the goal.

"Good job, mate!" Jack says, hi-fiving me. "We might win because of you."

"Can I get some better defense next time, yeah? Always stay goalside, Finn, don't get distracted," Zayn scolds. He was a chill guy and never really talked much but when he did he was either sassy or savage.

"You're so sexy when you give commands," I hear Louis say, winking at Zayn. Everyone laughs but I can see him blushing in the goalie box.

We hear Coach Higgins whistle blowing from the sidelines and the whole team jogs over to where he's standing with his clipboard. "Okay boys, the match'll be starting in 5 minutes. The refs are here and they'll be calling for captains and coaches soon, too. I just want to say that even if we don't win tonight, I still believe in you boys and you're one of the best teams this school has ever had," we all cheer and wrap our arms around each other in a team group hug.

"Niall, you're center field, Harry, Josh, Ashton, and Calum, you're all defense. Liam, Mikey, Luke, and Jack are offense. Louis and Finn are mids. I want you boys to get out on that field and give it your all!" The refs called for coaches and captains then, so Coach Higgins, Zayn, and I meet them in the middle of the field.

And then I see them. Nathan Fucking Sykes. Bradley Will Fucking Simpson. The stupid fucking stuck up, bossy twat wanker captains of the Churchill Prep football team. Also, some boys I have some awful beef with. Firstly, Nathan Sykes used to go to Thatcher Secondary (our school). But he transferred to CPrep in Year 11 and ever since then he's thought he was the shit. He was an awful football player when he was here; didn't even play, really, was just a bench warmer. But I guess, his skills boosted with his ego when he transferred and he became the MVP in just a few months. He also became the MVP of every girl's heart. Including, my (ex)girlfriend, Barbara Palvin of a year and a half. Caught the two of them shagging at an end of summer bash at Zayn's house. Neither of them were drunk. I think that what made it hurt the most. By the time I was dropped off at home, I was hammered as fuck; puking in my backpack, crying on my bed, tears streaming down my face at my "lost love." I didn't even realize Liam came home with me to make sure I got there safe. I was so immersed in sadness and liquor and heartbreak and weed that I never noticed him come into my house with me.

So that's the story of why I hate Nathan Sykes and how he ruined Year 11 for me. Now onto Brad Simpson. This cockhead is my mum's best friend's son. Ever since we were little his friendship has been forced upon me. We've tried to be friends but in the end we always clash and it gets ugly. Specifically, this one time when we were 14 and his family came over for Christmas dinner along with some other family friends. It was our first time sitting at the adult table...and it was the last time. We were sitting across from each other, and trying not to look each other in the eyes while mumbling, "Pass the peas," or "Can you hand me the salt," here and there. It was really tense and just plain awkward trying to be civil with the wanker. So I was reaching my hand across the table to grab a croissant...but there were none left. I looked around the table from side to side to see who had taken the croissant until finally, my eyes landed on Brad Simpson, who was about to take a bite of that last croissant with a satisfied grin on his face. 

"Is that the last croissant?" I said before he could take a bite out of it.

"Yeah," he replied smugly, gesturing toward me. "Oh, sorry, did you want it?"

"Yes."

"Too bad," he said, proceeding to take a bite of it and chew pompously.

Despite me being bulimic, I was fucking angry because I fucking love my mother, and I fucking love her croissants, and I wanted to fucking eat loads of them to make her fucking happy.

Before he could eat the rest of the croissant, I reached over the table and snatched it from his hand. 

"Give that back, you twat!" he said. In the background you could hear his mother go, "BRADLEY!" as he started to stand up. I held the croissant away from him as he reached over the table, knocking over the bowl of peas in the process. The parents screamed and yelled at us to stop. Meanwhile my older brother Greg was snickering in the corner, knowing this squabble was inevitable.

"Oh, sorry, did you want it?" I said, looking directly into his eyes, mocking him. He audibly growled in my face -  _growled -_ and then pounced on me, still reaching for that damn croissant. Brad started throwing punches while he was on top of me and I was still trying to hide the croissant while dodging his punches. I pushed him off of me and crawled under the table then felt a hand grab my ankle and pull me out. 

"GET UP LEPRECHAUN!" Brad yelled, so I did, and punched him square in the jaw with my right fist, croissant balled up in my left. I could hear the kids screaming from their table as they started to throw their food at each other and our parents yelling at us. In retaliation, Brad pushed me into the table, making me crash into the rest of the food, and we started wrestling for the croissant.

"BOYS STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! IT'S A DAMN CROISSANT I HAVE MORE IN THE OVEN!" my mother yelled, barely making a dent in this fight. We kept at it until our dads started pulling us off of each other and his mother and my mother yelled, "NIALL JAMES HORAN" and "BRADLEY WILL SIMPSON" at the same time and that's when we knew we had gone too far.

Ever since then, our parents have tried to keep us apart when they see each other, but tonight was inevitable.

"Coaches and captains, shake hands," the ref says. I feel like puking right then and there because fuck you if you think I even want to touch these guys but I do it anyway, not wanting to get a yellow card before the game has even started.

As I take Shithead Sykes' hand, he whispers to me, "Hey, Horan," son, you better not call me that... "Whatever beef we have, keep it off the field. I just want to play a good game of football."

"Of course, mate," I lie, plastering the most fake smile I can on my face. I let go of his hand that I'd been squeezing as hard I can and move on to Brad. I give him the dirtiest look I can before taking his hand and saying, "Fancy seeing you here, B _r_ adley," and I make sure to draw out the 'r' in his name because I know he hates it when people say it like that.

"Let's just get this over with, _Hor_ an," and of course the bastard puts emphasis on the 'hor' because I can't fucking stand when people do that and I can't fucking stand him.

"Okay, boys. Churchill will be defending and Thatcher will be offending," the ref tell us and I don't hesitate to stomp off right when he's finished talking to Coach Higgins and Zayn has finished shaking hands with everyone as well. The referee blows his whistle and the rest of the team runs onto the field and takes their positions.

 

Let's get this party started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I DID MAKE THE WANTED AND THE VAMPS THE RIVAL TEAM LMAO


	5. Inability to Sit Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know with all this zouis drama on twitter and what not everyone thinks zouis is dead. but i don't care, man. i started this story with the intention of making them a side-pairing and I'm gonna end it with them being a side-pairing. and of course zayn will still be in this. i have no plan on taking him out. if you don't like him anymore then so be it. also i wrote like half this chapter before any of this drama happened.
> 
> thank you :)

**Jade POV**

The boys began huddling on the field and I can see Niall giving directions to the rest of the team. They put all their hands in the middle of the circle.

"Tigers on 3! 1, 2, 3!" Niall shouts.

"TIGERS!" The crowd goes wild and the boys run back to their positions. The rest of the bleachers have definitely filled since Perrie and I arrived. The rows flooding with blue, white, and black; foam fingers held high, posters in the sky, hands cupped around mouths to make their cheers louder. On the other side of the stadium, the rival bleachers are filled with dark red and gold; not as full as our section but it was definitely a big crowd.

The blow of the whistle starts the game and the Bears get possession of the ball. #26 passes the ball to #9 but before it reaches him, Harry Styles is intercepting and kicking the ball to Niall who dribbles quickly and makes a huge kick. GOAL! I jump up, my hands  in the air. The crowd is going wild and everyone is cheering. Their small victory is short-lived however, when the teams go back to their places and Churchill make a goal. And another goal. And another goal. And they keep making goals. By the time there are only 20 minutes left in the half, the score is 8-2. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat.

**4\. Inability to sit still**

My legs are shaking. My emotions are a mixture of excited, nervous, scared, and worried; my eyes darting back and forth between the ball and Niall. Every time he gets the ball, he runs with it all the way to the goal, takes a shot, but the goalie always swats it away or a player intercepts before it can even make it to the goalie box. Whenever Niall loses the ball, he runs his hands through his hair, wipes the sweat off his face, and curses under his breath. I can tell how important this game is to him; how frustrated it makes him. I can't keep still in my seat anymore.

"It's okay, Niall! You're doing amazing! Keep your head up!" I try to cheer him up. He just looks up to me and gives me a sad smile. I sit back down and turn to Perrie. "What if they lose? Niall will be so disappointed," I say to her.

" Who cares about Niall? Look at Zayn in the goal, my baby looks like he's about to cry!"

I cock my eyebrow at her. "Baby? He barely even talks to you, Pez."

"I'll make him talk to me," she says with ferocity in her eyes. We pay our attention back to the game. There's only four minutes left now and somehow Prep has scored another goal and Zayn is looking pissed as fuck in the goalie box.

"Thought you were supposed to be one of the best goalies in the division? Doesn't look that way to me considering we're up by 7," a boy with messy blonde hair taunts. And I don't think anyone can ever forget the way Zayn pounces like a lion on top of him. Punch after punch is being thrown; the boys rolling around on the field like they want to kill each other. Which they probably do. The game has paused now, the refs trying desperately to pull the boys off of each other.

Boys from each of the teams are  trying to pry them off of each other as well, including Niall.

"Tristan, geroff of him!" a curly brunette boy from the other team yells.

"Zayn, you're making it worse! Fighting is only making it worse!" Niall screams. Zayn finally stops then, getting up off the boy, revealing a busted lip. Tristan gets up as well, and I can see he has a swollen cheek and blood dripping out of his nose.

"A yellow card for both of you!" the older ref yells. "Attitude violation for CPrep!" 

"What?!" Tristan opposes. Our side of the stadium cheers.

"Unecessary violence for Thatcher Secondary!" The crowd boos. "Both boys sit out for two minutes!" Zayn stomps off, purposely bumping into someone on the other team.

"How're we s'posta play without a goalie?" Liam Payne asks.

"Let's get a five minute time out!" The Thatcher Coach calls from the sides. The ref blows his whistle and calls for time, everyone rushing to huddle with their teams.

"I can't believe my baby got hit!" Perrie says, holding her hand to her chest.

"Can you shut up?"

"I'm sorry."  
  
"No you're not."

"I know."

*****

The boys are back on the field now, the penalties have timed out. Thankfully the Tigers have caught up. The score is 9-7 now. The Bears have possession of the ball but before it can even go up to the half, Thatcher has gotten the ball again and are dribbling it up the field. Niall passes it to Calum Hood, who passes it to Louis Tomlinson. He makes a massive kick and GOAL! The crowd erupts in a frenzy of screams and arms in the air. Louis runs around the field hi-fiving people but when he gets to Zayn he's engulfed in a large bear hug despite Zayn being so skinny and when they let go, Louis pecks a little kiss on Zayn's cheek.

"Did you see that?" Perrie asks, pointing at the two boys.

"What?"

"Louis just kissed Zayn on the cheek."

"Maybe they're just really good bros?" I try.

"Hmm..." Perrie thinks. But her thoughts are interrupted by the buzzing of the halftime bell. All the boys run off of the field and to the sideline to get water and talk to their coaches.

"Do you want to get something from the concessions stand?" Cara Delevingne suggests. All the girls shrug and we all walk in a big group to the stand. Perrie orders a soda and some crisps, I order a pretzel and the other girls ask for "whatever Cara is having." I cringe. These girls are such wannabes that they never seem to make their own decisions. 

"You know, to be honest, Jade, I've never seen you at a football match. Just never thought you liked that stuff," Barbara Palvin says to me, stuffing gummy bears into her mouth.

"I'm not usually. But a boy on the team invited me," I blush as all the girls "ooh" and "ah" and poke my arm.

"What boy?" Cara says, shimmying up to me and smirking.

"You know Niall Horan?" Cara stops shimmying then and Barbara looks at me mid chew.

"Yeah..." the rest of the girls say. "Everyone does," another adds.

"Uh..Well, yeah. He asked me to come tonight. So here I am, I guess," I don't know what to do with all this sudden tension so I just take a bite out of my pretzel slowly.

"He asked you? Or did you just tell him you were coming?" Cara asks.

"He invited me after school today..."

"Oh..." I can see Cara chewing on the inside of her mouth, her lips pursed. "Well we should get back to our seats. Halftime is almost over, probably." Cara and all of her little followers head back towards the stands while Perrie and I stay at the back of the crowd.

"What was that about?" Perrie questions, side-eyeing the group of girls.

"Do you think Cara and Niall have, like, a thing?"

"I doubt it. Why would he give you all those heart eyes if he liked someone else? Frankly, I don't think Niall's the type of guy to do that. It's probably just unrequited love" Perrie contemplates. I give her a nod of understanding and we begin walking back to the bleachers. When we get back to our seats, Cara, Barbara and their little clique have moved away from us. I roll my eyes. Someone's salty.

The game resumes with Niall at center again. Tigers score a goal. Everyone cheers. Bears score a goal. Everyone boos. Tigers score another goal. Everyone cheers. Bears score two more goals. Everyone boos. The score is 12-9 now with only 10 minutes left. Everyone on the field is drenched with sweat and stress. And the crowds are showered with worry and hope. Thatcher is so close to winning.

Ashton Irwin has the ball and is barreling down the field with it when he passes it to Stan Lucas, across the field. Stan dribbles and kicks the ball straight into the goal. Niall, Luke Hemmings, and Jack Harries make 3 more goals and now the score is tied and there's only 1 minute left on the clock. Crowds on both sides of the stadium are cheering wildly, jumping up and down.

00:59 Bears have possession of the ball.

00:56 #15 passes the ball to #7.

00:54 Liam Payne intercepts and kicks the ball to Niall.

00:49 Niall stops the ball with the top of his foot and dribbles to the half. He passes back and forth with Mikey Clifford.

00:30 Mikey runs down the field and passes the black and white sphere back to Niall before a brunette boy can steal the ball.

00:22 A boy from the other team is staying on Niall, pressuring him so he can't get to the goal.

00:15 Niall is trying to run past him but the other boy keeps trying to kick the ball away.

00:09 Right when everyone thinks the Bears are about to get the ball, Niall kicks the ball toward the goal and jumps over the other boy's leg.

00:03 Niall sprints to the ball and kicks.

00:01 The ball goes into the goal and the final buzzer sounds. Niall runs around the field and he jumps, straight up grand jetés in celebration. Tigers win 13-12 in the last second.

Perrie and I jump in our seats, our hands in the air, cheering as loud as we can. Niall did it! He scored the winning goal! All the boys on the team tackle him into a huge hug and by the time all of the boys are there, they've all fallen on the ground, a pile of bodies shouting and smiling like idiots. When Nialls head pops out of the pile, he's grinning from ear to ear and trying to hug as many people as he can. His eyes scan the crowd and when they lock with mine, his grin somehow gets wider and his eyes light up.

Perrie and I run down the bleachers and onto the field to meet up with the boys. When we get there, it seems Cara and her crew have the same idea as us and are talking to the boys.

"Niall! Ohmigod! You are SUCH a good football player, like literally the best I've ever seen!" Cara flirts with Niall, swinging her arm around his waist. I roll my eyes.

"Er...thanks Cara," he gives an awkward smile before slowly prying her arm off his waist. "Thanks for coming." She smiles at him and winks.

"So anywayyyy, Jade what'd you think of the game?" Niall says shuffling away from Cara quickly. Her mouth drops open as the space that Niall once filled is now empty and next to me. Ha ha, bitch. Ha fuckin' ha.

"I never knew you were such a good player, I was screaming my head off the whole game!" I say.

"Hopefully that won't be the last time I make you scream," he whispers in my ear and god damn it's hot but god damn is it embarassing also so now I'm blushing my cheeks off while he wraps his arm around my shoulders, "I'm just messing with you, Jadey," he says, winking and poking my arm. Suddenly, Louis and Zayn are coming up next to us and Louis wraps one arm around Niall and the other around Zayn.

"Niall, lad, that was one of the best plays I've ever seen you do," Louis says, admiringly.

"Thanks, mate."

"We couldn't have done this without you, really," he pats Niall on the shoulder and notices me in Niall's arms, Perrie standing next to us awkwardly and smiles with crinkly eyes. "Oh, HEY Jade! You're looking lovely as ever tonight! And Perrie - well, you always look fab!"

Perrie and I giggle and blush. "Zayn, you were an amazing goalie, tonight!" Perrie blurts out. She would.

Zayn gives a crooked smirk and shrugs. "It's no biggie," he says.

"Zayn's always a great goalie," Louis says, turning his head to Zayn and grinning sheepishly. Zayn blushes at the compliment.

"And you look so good in that uniform," Perrie suddenly declares.

"He looks even better with it off," Louis remarks, smacking Zayn's ass. Zayn's eyes widen and before anyone can respond, Louis struts off the field. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with cheeks as red as Zayn's are right now.

We stand there awkwardly before Niall speaks up, "As you can see, he has no inhibitions."

"So, Zayn, you and Louis are a...thing?" I ask, so Perrie doesn't have to.

"I...I think? W-We haven't really defined our relationship yet," he says, air quoting 'relationship' with his fingers. I can almost hear Perrie's heart sink to the floor.

"Well, I hope you two are very happy together," Perrie says, shifting uncomfortably on her toes.

"Don't worry, love, we can still be friends, let's get some food," Zayn says, slinging an arm around Perrie's waist and leading her away to the concessions stand. Me and Niall are alone on the field, now.

"Did you have fun?" he asks me, taking my hands and standing in front of me. He interlocks our fingers, swings our arms back and forth and smiles down at me.

"Yes. Yeah. I did."

"We should hang out again sometime, maybe this time just you and I. Instead of with a hundred people in the bleachers with us," he chuckles.

I giggle softly, "Yeah, I'd like that," I say smiling up at him.

"I'll see you in English class tomorrow?"

"Just like every other day."

"Good."

"Good."

"I- I better get going now," he stutters, "don't want to keep my teammates waiting."

"Yeah, of course," I reply, removing my hands from his. "Bye?"

He begins backing away slowly before remembering that I even said something to him, "Yeah, bye, yeah," he says, almost tripping on a ball in the middle of the field. I bring my hands up to my mouth to keep myself from laughing. Before he turns around to walk like a normal person, he waves one last time, smiling.

I wave back and turn around to start walking back to my own car, but not before I see Niall jump, clicking his heels together, like a leprechaun.


	6. Excessive and Obsessive Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized there is a disturbing lack of harry in this so here i am ready to change that ok love u all thnk u all for the wonderful comments

**Niall POV**

After Jade leaves, I practically dance my way back to the locker room.

"We won, we won," I sang to myself while skipping and snapping, "And the Churchill bastards lost. The stupid, ugly ass, mothafuckin' losers lost!" I barge into the locker room then, screaming with my arms in the air. The other boys engulf me in hugs and cheers and pats on the back.

"Fuck yes, Niall!" Andy Samuels calls from the back.

"You are such an amazing bastard, Niall!" Stan Lucas says, drowning me in a hug. Coach Higgins walks up to me, then, beaming.

"Niall, we did it. You scored the winnin' goal!" Every boy cheers, "When everyone is done changing I want you all to come to Nando's! Everything on me!" Again, everyone cheers and I think now that we're basically getting FREE Nando's they're all changing just a bit quicker. Boys shuffle out of the locker room, half of them still getting dressed.

"You going to Nando's?" Ashton asks me in the middle of putting a tank top on.

" 'Course, mate!" I reply, sitting on a bench and untying my cleats. Obviously I'm going to get free food even if I'm going to throw it up later; I would not pass up that glorious chance. But if I wait for everyone to leave, then I won't need to worry about people looking at me while I undress. I make sure everyone is gone before I even take off my socks. When I take my shirt off, I think I hear something by the showers.

"Oh my God, Louis," I hear a muffled voice say. Is that Zayn? I take a peek into the shower room to see Louis and Zayn up against the tile wall, not just making out, but practically swallowing each other. I gasp, ducking back behind the wall, afraid that they might see me. I peek back again slowly.

They stop kissing, Louis' hands on Zayn's waist, when I hear Louis whisper to Zayn, "Want me to give you a little gift for being  _such_ an amazing goalie?"

Oh my GOd.

I hear Zayn grunt a "yeah" in reply. From one of the full body mirrors near the opening of the showers, I see Lou trailing soft kisses from Zayn's neck, to his collarbone, to his bare chest and stomach, slowly dropping to his knees and stopping right above the waistband of his shorts. He places his fingers on the band and glances at Zayn for permission. Lou pulls his shorts down slowly, and when he sees all of Zayn, he looks hungry and nods in approval.

I look away. Jesus Christ. I'm not supposed to be here. It's suddenly very hot in the locker room, and I start blushing at the sound of Zayn's moans as Louis takes him in. Honestly, it's a little (okay, more than a little) hot, and I'm a little (okay, very) turned on. Not that I'd admit that to anyone. I glance at the mirror and see Louis' head bobbing and I turn away again.

"Oh, Lou, God...ah," Zayn sighs, "Babe, you're so good, so good."

In the mirror I see Zayn running his hands through Louis' hair tenderly and lovingly. He lets out an anguished whimper that makes me drop my clothes and cleats on the floor and a little bit over the threshold of the entrance to the showers. SHIT. The busy couple doesn't seem to have noticed the pile of fabric or the sound of my cleats, so I reach out and try to grab my clothes discreetly.

"Lou, wait," Zayn says. I pause mid-reach. From the sound of it, Lou hasn't stopped sucking, despite Zayn's warning. "Babe, seriously. Is that...Is that a hand over there?"

HOOOLYYYY SHIIIIIIT. SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT.

Slowly, I turn my head and peek around the corner and lock eyes with an embarrassed looking Zayn. Lou, naturally still has his mouth around Zayn's dick.

"NIALL?!?!?" He yelps, his puppy eyes going wide. Louis pops off, his mouth filled with spit and precome, and Zayn tries to cover up.

"I...uh...um, er...I'M SO SORRY I'M JUST GONNA CHANGE AND HEAD OUT I AM SO SORRY," I stutter. I don't have to look in a mirror to know that I'm 50 shades (maybe more) of red, so I start speed walking back to the lockers.

From the showers I hear Louis giggle. "Might as well just finish what we started, eh?" Zayn starts to protest but within seconds he's moaning again.

Bloody hell.

******

Jade and I are walking to lunch together the Monday after the game and there are two things I can't seem to get out of my mind: her and _the incident._

I haven't told anyone about it and don't plan on it, obviously. And I sure do hope that neither Zayn nor Louis will want to bring it up at lunch. We've texted over the weekend, but somehow, even in text form, it's been awkward one-word answers and thumbs up emojis only. Oh Lordy.

I've been texting Jade for the past two days as well, we literally haven't stopped. I text her every time I have my hands free. It's a refreshing change, from the angsty texts with Harry about how much he loves skinny jeans but doesn't have enough money to buy the one's he wants, or my redundant conversations with Liam about how much he loves Batman and how he got a new Batman this and Batman that, and it's _especially_ refreshing from Louis' rants about his sex life and how he "dragged" people on Twitter for saying how much they hated ravioli. It's fun talking to a new person and finding things about them that you never knew before.

Jade and I are walking through the corridor, to the the courtyard for lunch, our hands swinging and occasionally touching. We come outside and she stops at her "lunchtime bench" as she calls it, where Perrie, Leigh-Anne, and Jesy are already sitting. They all look at each other knowingly when Jade and I hug, and before I let go, my hands still on her waist and her arms still around my neck. I sneak a little kiss on her cheek. She blushes and the girls on the bench giggle and beam at each other.

I walk over to my usual lunch stop by the big oak tree in the courtyard. Liam, Harry, Louis, and Zayn are all already seated, Zayn lying casually upon the tree stroking Louis' hair absentmindedly, who's lying on the ground with his head in Zayn's lap. I awkwardly sit beside them, criss-cross apple sauce, and slowly take out my sandwich from my brown bag.

"Let's just pretend it never happened and not talk about it ever again, yeah?" Zayn says before I can take a bite.

"Thank you so much," I sigh in relief and relax next to him. At times like these, I'm grateful Zayn doesn't talk much.

"I'd like to talk about it," Louis says cheekily, turning his head to me, squinting and smiling mischievously.

Zayn hits him in the stomach and Louis winces and frowns up at him, his bottom lip jutted out a bit. "Lou, I swear, shut up."

"I'm sorry, baby," Louis says, cuddling up to Zayn like a kitten. Zayn mumbles an "mhm" of approval and begins stroking Louis hair gentlyo again.

I roll my eyes and continue eating my sandwich. Until, of course I'm interrupted by Harry.

"So what the fuck's up with you and Jade? You literally didn't stop texting me about her the past two days," all the boys looked at me, then, their eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.

**5\. Excessive and Obsessive Thoughts**

"What do you mean?" I ask, unintentionally saying it like a child, slowly putting my sandwich down on my lap.

"What do you mean 'what do i mean?' I'm pretty sure you've texted us all at least 50 times this weekend giving us random ass facts about Jade and telling us how much you like her and asking us how you should reply to her," Harry says, exasperated. The other boys just nod with their lips pursed.

"Pfft, c'mon I don't do that."

"Did you guys know that Jade has been doing ballet since she was 6?" Liam asks.

"She also secretly loves singing and she always sings 'Shower' by Becky G when she's in the bath," Louis adds.

"Her birthday is the 26th of December," Harry chimes in.

"She absolutely CANNOT live without lasagna and biscuits," Zayn finishes. 

I slump awkwardly, embarassed. "Do I really do that?"

"Yes," all the boys say in unison.

"It's almost a little creepy how obsessed with her you are," Liam says to me with a concerned look on his face.

"I'm not obsessed, okay?"

"Laugh out loud at that, mate!" Louis says, rolling around on Zayn's lap, giggling.

I pout and sulk while begining to eat my sandwich again. Sorry I just want to get to know everything about her? I mean, that's what you do when you meet someone new, is it not? 

We finish lunch and the bell rings for 7th Period so I get up to walk with Jade to English. Harry and Perrie (ha they rhyme) walk with us through the halls since he's in the same class as us. Cara Delevigne passes by us and purposely bumps into Jade, knocking her books out of her hands. She and the rest of her clique strut off with her down the hallway. Barbara just walks over her books without even looking at any of us.

Bitch.

Harry and I reach down to pick up Jade's things and I see a little heart doodle on her notebook with the letter 'N'. I smile softly to myself. We hand her her things and walk into Mr. Cowell's class. Harry and I take our seats in the front and Jade and Perrie go to the back of the classroom like they usually do.

I smile at the thought of Jade doodling my name all over her notebook. She's a proper cutie. I turn to Harry, grinning, "Did you know that Jade put my initial in a little heart on her notes?"

"Wow. You should just propose to her already. What do you think she'll want to name your kids. I can imagine Luna - or Violet. Yes - Luna and Violet Horan. I can see it now: Luna has dark brunette hair, Violet's is flowing, curly down her back, just like Jade's. A mix of tan Egyptian skin and pale Irish skin. And you can't forget their eyes - a piercing mix of brown with specks of gold, blue, and green," Harry says, mockingly.

I smack him on the arm, and he smiles at me sheepishly."How did you know she was Egyptian?"

"You've only told me three times, mate," Harry says, chewing on his pen cap and smirking.

Mr. Cowell enters the classroom and the class settles down. I raise my hand.

"Yes, Horan?"

"May I please use the restroom?"

"I haven't even been in the classroom for 10 seconds and you already want to leave? Rude." The class laughs and I blush, "You know I've noticed: you go to the lavatory every single day in this period? What do you do in there that takes so long? You can't be pooping at the same time everyday. Are you just trying to get out of my class? Are you hurling up your lunch? Who knows."

I stop smiling then, and instead of blushing I've become a ghastly shade of white. The rest of the students are laughing. Harry is banging on the table, "YOU - YOU POOP AT THE SAME TIME EVERYDAY!" he manages to breathe out while cackling.

What an idiot. Like, it's not even that funny. It's not funny at all, actually. You know, I wasn't planning on killing myself today, but I think today's the day. Mr. Cowell looks me straight in the eyes, his glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. Does he know? Can he see through my cocky facade? I need to play it cool right now or everyone else might suspect something.

I put on the best fake smile I can before saying through gritted teeth, "You're such a jokester, Mr.Cowell!" Fuck you, Mr. Cowell. "But seriously, I'm about to piss all over our floor." But seriously I'm about to jump out of the London Tower.

"Just go, Niall. Just go," he replies, shaking his head. I get up without hesitation, but before I leave I sneak a quick glance at Jade. The laughter has died down in the classroom, but it looks like Jade never even smiled. She's looking at me not with a condescending look, but a concerned one.

Fucking hell, Mr. Cowell. Look what you've done. I hate that look. I hate that look of concern and curiosity that people give me when they suspect something. It's a look that tells me that they care and that maybe they can help and that they want to. But no one ever does. No one really cares. If they did I probably wouldn't have kept doing this, don't you think? I probably would have stopped this ages ago, but no.

When I get to the toilet, I vomit as much as I can and when there's nothing left, I punch myself in the stomach. I put my fingers down my throat. I try everything I can to get something more out and when I can't, when I'm sweating from exhaustion I start crying and I can't stop. I slump against the wall of the stall on the ground and I'm crying because I don't know why I do this to myself and I don't want to anymore and I don't know how to stop.

I'm finally somewhat calm after five minutes of bawling. My face in my hands, just sulking on the dirty floor, breathing in and out slowly, a hiccup here and there. I eventually get out of the stall and when I look at myself in the mirror I want to punch the glass. My eyes have bags and dark circles, my cheeks hollow and my face pale. I hate myself. I splash water on my face and practice my "cheeky Irish smile" in the mirror. I take in one last, long breath and head out the door.

When I return to the classroom, we're reading Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream aloud. Harry's at the front with Perrie and he's professing his love to her.

"Fair love, you faint with wandering in the wood; And to speak troth, I have forgot our way: We'll rest us, Hermia, if you think it good, And tarry for the comfort of the day," Harry declares.

"Be it so, Lysander: find you out a bed; For I upon this bank will rest my head."

I take my seat at the front again, which is _conveniently_ right next to Mr. Cowell. He taps me on the shoulder.

"Gum?" he whispers, holding out a piece with a green wrapper. My heart stops.

"No it's okay," I say, not meeting his eyes, "I've got a pack." I take out Juicy Fruit from my pocket and pop a piece in my mouth.

"Ah, I should've figured." My mouth drops open slightly in shock and without another word he looks back to Harry and Perrie at the front reciting the play. 

Harry proclaims, "Amen, amen, to that fair prayer, say I; And then end life when I end loyalty! Here is my bed: sleep give thee all his rest!"


	7. Change in Personality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have a rly important question: do most of you read this on mobile or on your laptops or whatever? lol please comment thnks y'all!!!

**Jade POV**

We're the talk of the school.

We're the hot topic of gossip.

_'Did you hear? Niall Horan and Jade Thirlwall are dating?'_

Well. We're not  _really_ dating. He just always walks me to all of my classes with his hand on the small of my back. He just always kisses me goodbye after school. He just always holds my hand when we're walking through the hallways. No biggie. Nothing too exclusive.

Except when Niall sees other guys eyeing us, he makes a point to pull me a little closer to him. Except when I wanted to sit with him at lunch but the girls wanted me to stay at the bench, so he literally just brought the bench over to the big oak tree and no one questioned it because he's Niall Horan and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. And no one complained because we're all friends. Except for when Niall texted me in the middle of fourth period to go to the bathroom and we ended up making out in the boys locker room. Nope. Not dating.

**7\. Change in Personality**

Ever since the incident in Mr. Cowell’s class where Niall got called out for going to the loo every day, Niall has seemed on edge, sometimes a little aggressive and moody. He’s not as cheery as usual, like the light in his smile has dimmed a bit. I try not to think about it, but the truth is it concerns me. I can’t stop thinking about the look on his face when Mr. Cowell asked if he was “hurling up his lunch” when he went to the bathroom every day. He looked like he was about to be sick at that comment alone.

On days when we sneak out of our classes to see each other, Niall’s happy. That light comes back into his smile and his blue eyes are bright. We talk about anything and everything, and most of the time it feels like nothing is off-limits. I want to bring up the bathroom incident but I don’t want to push him.

When we’re kissing and he has me up against the wall of the janitor’s closet, Niall’s aggression comes out, like he’s releasing all of his pent up frustrations with me. Our hands are all over the place, but when my fingers run across his back, then his chest, and then his ribs, he stiffens, and my fears for him are worsened.

All I feel under the fabric of his t-shirt is bone.

My fingers linger for a bit and our lips part. Niall opens his eyes and they meet mine and I’m pretty sure he knows what I’m thinking. He’s not saying anything, but his eyes look desperate for help, like they’re screaming but I don’t know what to say.

After 30 seconds pass, Niall looks down. He takes my hand and uses his other to push my hair back so he can kiss my forehead. He nuzzles his nose to mine, forehead to forehead. Everything around us is silent except for our slow breaths - inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. The quiet isn’t awkward, it’s just in that moment, there’s nothing left to say or do except soak in it.

“One day,” Niall finally says, as if reading my thoughts.

I nod softly in response.

Niall looks at his phone. “One-thirty. Maybe we should get back to class now, yeah?”

“I suppose,” I say. “The period ends in twenty minutes.”

I don’t want to leave, but we both know we have no choice. Niall and I have an unspoken agreement that I leave first after these little rendezvous’ to avoid suspicion. We give each other one last kiss before I slip out into the halls with my pass.

*****

 I can't stop thinking about it. The thoughts about what Niall does to himself take over my mind all day and all night. Who else knows? Does _anyone_ know? How long has he been doing this? And most importantly, why?

It doesn't make any sense, but for a week after the closet incident I avoid everyone. When I go to school I try not to make eye contact with anyone, and if I do, I put my head down quickly. I don't talk with the girls as much as lunch, and I ignore everything that has to do with Niall or his friends. I ignore every text except the ones from my parents. I just don't know what to do, so I do what I do best - I focus on ballet.

After school, I go straight to the studio and I let out all my bottled up stress and frustration into the pain of pointe work. I think I'm going a little too hard on releve's and grand jetes, but it feels good to focus on something other than whatever's happening at school. I need time away in the studio perfecting my technique.

On the third day at the studio, my instructor already starts to notice I'm coming in way more than I usually do for independent study.

"Jade, are you okay?" Miss Tulisa asks.

"Yeah, why?" I say, not really knowing where she's going with this.

"Well, you've been coming in for the last three days," she says. "Not that I don't enjoy your company or appreciate the work you're putting into your piece, but you usually only come in once a week."

Honestly, it is weird. And while Miss Tulisa is someone I consider a mentor and a friend even, I don't feel like going into detail about how my life has turned upside down within a week. I come up with the perfect excuse.

"Well, I mean, the recital is next Friday so I figured I'd come in for extra practice," I half-lie.

Miss Tulisa doesn't look entirely convinced, but she directs me into Studio C anyway and I follow her brunette bun inside, mentally preparing to begin warm-ups.

*****

I don't go to dance the next Monday. Miss Tulisa asked me on Friday to stay home this week since we completed the whole piece and I need rest apparently.

I spend the weekend thinking about what to say to Niall. I can't keep avoiding him, so I decide to finally look at all the texts he sent me.

 **♡NIALLER♡** : hey please don't worry

 **♡NIALLER♡** : are you mad at me ?

 **♡NIALLER♡** : jade u haven't said anything to me for 2 days r u ok?

 **♡NIALLER♡** : Pez and Leigh and Jesy said u haven't spoken to them either

 **♡NIALLER♡** : pls let any of us know ur ok jade :(

Oi. I text him so he knows I'm okay. And you know, to make sure he's okay too.

 **You** : hey :) nialler im not mad at you or anything my ballet recital is next week im stressed af

 **You** : i'll talk to you tomorrow okay?? :)♡♡

 **You** : are you okay?

He replies quickly.

 **♡NIALLER** ♡: oh thank god

♡ **NIALLER** ♡: hey if you wanna talk about it im always here :) and yeah im ok

♡ **NIALLER** ♡: i missed u but i'll see u 2morrow ♡

He's too cute.

*****

When I get to school the next day, I make a beeline for Niall's locker. His head is down as he's putting a textbook in his bag but he looks up and notices me walking toward him. When he sees me, his face lights up, and I think I die a little on the inside. The smile on his face is made of genuine happiness, and my heart swells with a bit of pride that I could make anyone, especially Niall, that happy.

"Hey there, Pickle," he says cheerfully, greeting me with a light peck on the lips.

"Hey," I say, scrunching my nose at the nickname.

"How's the ballet going?" Niall asks, and I'm quite glad he's brought it up.

"I was actually just about to ask you," I start. "If you'd like to come to my show on Friday."

Niall smiles even wider now. He looks absolutely overjoyed.

"Of course I would, Jade," he replies, putting his rucksack down and enveloping me in a hug. I reach my arms around back and I feel his prominent shoulder blades and suddenly remember what I felt in the janitor's closet last week. Rather than recoiling the way I did last time, I bury my face into Niall's neck, breathing in his cologne. The scent is soft and a little woodsy, and it fits his personality perfectly. I want to take it in and remember it.

"We should probably get to class now, ya bugger," I say, smiling. Niall laughs and let's go. He picks up his rucksack and closes his locker.

"Reckon we should," he replies, taking my hand and kissing it.

He drops me off at my first period class and we promise to catch up more at lunch.

*****

The hours pass slowly, but as soon as the lunch bell rings, I sprint out of my Maths class to my locker. Niall, bless his heart, sees me and comes running.

"Uh, Jade," he begins nervously. "Is it okay if we eat lunch alone - like just the two of us today?'

He seems upset about something, but I can't tell what.

"Of course, Ni" I reply. "Is everything okay?"

"I just really need to talk to you right now."

Niall takes my hand and we go up swiftly to the greenhouse on the roof of the school. The area is maintained by the Environmental Club but no one really goes up here at this time, so Niall and I have it all to ourselves. I sit down on a wooden bench with my homemade lasagna and Niall follows next to me with his takeaway Nando's.

"So what did you wanna talk about?" I ask, trying to hide my concern.

Niall fidgets in his seat and bites his fingers; not his nails, but his fingers. I make a mental note about this tick.

"Ni, seriously are you okay?" He's worrying me. Niall pauses, takes a breath, then opens his mouth.

"I know you're, like, worried about me b-but like I-I-I t-talked to my counselor a-and I-I'm get-getting help s-so p-please don't be, d-don't be w-worried about m-me," he stutters, stumbling over his Irish accent.

I'm speechless. One, I didn't know Niall stuttered at all. Two, he is so vulnerable looking. He's shaking like a child, his brow is furrowed and his fingers are between his teeth again. I never thought I'd see popular, confident Niall Horan looking like this.

"Niall, it's okay," I say.

"I-I j-just don't w-want you t-to, l-like, l-leave me be-be-because you did-didn't want to d-deal with my p-problems or summat," Niall says, tears welling up in his eyes.

"I would't do that, Nialler," I say softly, pulling his whole body into my arms and letting him rest his head on my shoulder. His arms are curled into his body. "I'm so proud of you for getting help, Potato. I don't want to see you hurting, I don't want you to feel like you can't open up to me the way you just did. You're so brave for doing that and you know you can trust me with anything."

I kiss his hair and I feel his tears soaking my t-shirt, so I hold him closer so he can just let out everything that he's been holding back.

"P-Please d-don't tell anyone," he says, looking at me with his eyes wide and scared.

"Of course, Ni. Of course. You're going to be okay," I say so softly, that it's almost a mumble. "You're going to be okay, we're going to be okay, everything's gonna be okay."

Niall nods into my shoulder. He's stopped crying now, and he's just breathing slowly, sometimes faltering. I bring a hand to his face and lift it so that his eyes meet mine then I give him a little kiss on the nose.

"I have the utmost faith that you can get better," I say with a certain finality in my voice.

"I don't deserve you," Niall says, wiping his eyes.

"Shut up," I say, grabbing my lasagna. "I don't know what you deserve, but I do know it's certainly more than what you have right now. You're gonna go on to better things."

Niall chuckles to himself then, and takes his Nando's out of its paper bag. I can see that he's trying to calm down the noise in his own head. I watch as Niall eats his food until there's nothing left and I hope to God he's really getting help.

When the bell signaling the end of lunch rings, Niall and I walk to English hand in hand. People give us suspicious looks when they see us exit the stairwell that leads to the greenhouse. And that's when it clicks what they think Niall and I were doing up there. Eh, fuck it. Let them think what they want.

Once we're in Cowell's class, Niall goes to his normal seat and I plop down next to Pez.

"Hey, Perrie," I greet her cheerfully.

She turns up form finishing last minute homework and glares at me in a way that says, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Whoa, are you okay?" I ask. Her glare completely took me by surprise, and I wonder if maybe I missed something.

"Unbe-fucking-lievable," she sighs. "You don't even know what you did."

"Uh...I'm sorry?"

"You don't remember how I said in our group chat last night that I needed to talk to you lot about something important at lunch?"

Oh shit. I completely forgot.

"But I mean, apparently you were too busy doing God-knows-what with your boyfriend to make time for your best friends."

"How did you you - "

"Oh, don't be naive, Jade. Everyone saw you two walk out of the greenhouse together when the bell rang. You couldn't even be bothered to send a bloody text to any of us that you couldn't make it to lunch today, I would've been like, okay, yeah, I'll talk to Jade later then about it."

"What happened?"

"My gran got diagnosed with cancer is what happened, but you would've known that if you showed up today," Perrie hisses, and slams her Literature textbook closed as Mr. Cowell walks into the room.

"Oi, Perrie!" Mr. Cowell calls, "Respect school property."

Pez groans.

"Perrie, I am so, so sorry I forgot - " I start to apologize.

"Just save it, Jade. Go off with Niall, do whatever the fuck you want, but don't come crying to me when something happens and you need someone to talk to," she snaps and I know that nothing I say at this point will mean anything to her.

I spend the rest of the class wallowing in my guilt. I can't believe I forgot to talk to Perrie, especially at a time when she needs me the most. I just wish I could tell her what Niall and I were actually doing up in the greenhouse. Maybe then she'd be able to forgive me. She'd understand, if only she knew.

I need Perrie to forgive me. The last time we were mad at each other, I couldn't last a day without her talking to me and I had to beg for her forgiveness. The bell rings for the end of the school day and Perrie strides out of the classroom without giving me a second glance. I try to catch up with her but Niall grabs my arm as I'm walking out the door.

He smiles warmly at me, "Hey, do you wanna hang out after school?" and I swear he bats his eyelashes.

"I really wish I could but Perrie's mad at me and she's going to  _stay_ mad at me unless I do something about it. Sorry, babe," I shrug. As Leslie Knope once said, ovaries before brovaries, am I right, ladies?

"Darn. I'll see you tomorrow thought, right?"

"Of course!" I give him a little kiss and when Harry passes us he makes an ugly face at Niall. I giggle and head to my locker, hoping Perrie is still at her's as well.

When I arrive, she's still there, thankfully, so I walk up to her before she can leave.

"Perrie, please listen to me. I can explain!"

"Forget it, Jade!" she slings her bag on her shoulder and turns, starting to walk to the parking lot to her car.

"Listen, you have every right to be mad at me. And I'm so, so, so sorry about not being there for you but please just let me explain!" I try to keep up with her best I can, but damn this bitch walks fast when she's angry.

Perrie spins around, exasperated. "Okay then what's your explanation? What made you ditch me and sneak off with Niall instead?" she crosses her arms and waits for my answer.

I stand there silently for a second. Okay, so I  _probably_ should have planned out what I was actually going to say to her.

Without thinking I blurt, "Niall is bulimic." Shit. Oh no. What the fuck have I done? Niall told me not to tell anyone. And yet here I am. I'm a fucking awful person.

Perrie just looks at me, stunned. "What?"

"N-Niall is bulimic. He's obsessed with the way his body looks so he throws up all of his food." Why am I telling her this?

"Are you serious? Is he getting help?"

"Well...that's actually what we were talking about when we went up to the greenhouse."

"...Oh."

"Listen, I'm not saying this is a good excuse for not remembering to come talk to you, especially since you had to tell me the awful news about your gran but can you at least forgive me? I'm so, so, so sorry."

She drops her arms to side in defeat. "Yes, I forgive you, Jade. But what you just told me doesn't lighten up my mood in any way. Niall Horan...popular, confident, perfect boy Niall Horan is really, seriously bulimic?" 

I look down and gulp. "Yes...but I need you to promise me something, yeah?"

"Of course," she answers, looking concerned.

"P-Please d-don't tell anyone."


	8. Inability to Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the first part of the chapter is sort of like a poem. just kind of read it like they're stanzas and this is exactly what Niall is thinking at that moment. he's pretty sardonic and somewhat self deprecating in the way he thinks.
> 
> also trigger warning: mentions of rape and suicide. they're is also a lot of anxiety in this.
> 
> nonetheless, i hope you enjoy this chapter because i really enjoyed writing it :)

**Niall POV**

They're laughing at me.

They are all laughing at me.

They keep laughing at me and they won't stop. They're pointing at me and laughing and they're making fun of me and they're calling me fat and ugly and worthless. They're laughing at me, they're bombarding me as if the room wasn't already small enough. They're laughing and I'm claustrophobic and I can't breathe and I can't get out I can't find a way out I need to get out someone please get me out of here. The walls are closing in on me and they're laughing at me, laughing at me, laughing laughing laughing.

I wake up, gasping for air. I need air, I need air, I can't breathe. And I'm sweating. There are beads of sweat on my forehead. My neck is hot, my palms are sticky.

And I can't breathe.

I need air I need air because for some reason there is no oxygen going into my lungs. My chest is heaving, so I open up the drawer in my bedside table and I rummage until I find my emergency inhaler. And I press down and I suck in. And I press down and I suck in. And I press down and I suck in. And my heart finally slows down in my chest as I calm down; as I breathe again. Inhaling slowly, exhaling slowly.

**8\. Inability to Sleep**

I gulp and sit there on my bed awkwardly. I look at my phone and it's fucking 4:39 A.M. and I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep because of that damn dream. That stupid nightmare. I can't go back to sleep. I can't go back to sleep. If I close my eyes for one second they'll suck me in again, they'll come back and they will laugh at me again and they won't stop; they never stop. They haven't stopped laughing for three days straight. I've stayed awake all night for three days straight. I've woken up with dark circles and bags and stolen my mum's concealer to cover them up for three days straight.

I can't go back to sleep so I go to the kitchen and I open the freezer and there's a half eaten tub of raspberry sorbet and I eat the whole thing and I get brain freeze. I grab 2 beers from my fridge and I chug them both down and it leaves an awful aftertaste from the sorbet and my brain freeze gets worse. So I eat a whole family sized bag of hot Cheetos and now my mouth tastes even worse and I feel really really guilty so I go to the bathroom and do what I do best.

And I know I told Jade I was getting help but I lied I lied I lied. I don't want her to worry about me. I don't deserve her. I don't want her to get caught up in this mess. I told her I went to my counselor but I didn't because I hate my counselor. I hate all counselors. It's all the same. It's all the same. Everything will be okay. We can get through this together. If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible! _I understand what you're going through._

That's the worst one. That's the worst lie they tell because they do not understand what it's like. They will never understand. So why bother telling _every. single. kid_. that walks into your office that you understand? Why bother lying to their faces?

Is it because of hope? Do you want to give them hope? Well, let me tell you that's the worst fucking thing you could give a kid because you make them think that maybe - just maybe, everything will turn out okay. With rainbows and unicorns and butterflies perched on your nose in your little utopia of a life. But that's not how it works! Oh no darling, let me tell you how life works! Life fucks us all!  All of us! No - it doesn't fuck us, that would require consent. It _rapes_ us. Because God knows none of us asked for this. It tortures us until we're left lying there dead, an unmoving pile of shit with nothing left to live for.

That's what I am. I am shit. I am nothing.

I've thought about committing suicide a lot. I've thought about it but never tried it. But when I do think about it I think: "What would be the best way to kill myself?"

I'd shoot myself but I ain't got a gun.

I'd stab myself but I'm not very good with knives.

I'd take a load of pills - but I've got a  _horrible_ gag reflex.

Maybe I should just drink bleach or drown myself. Or jump off a fucking building.

My body lying face down, my limbs contorted in awkward angles. Broken and bloody and dead with a crowd surrounding my body.

 

 

And they would still be laughing at me.

 

I fall asleep on the floor of the bathroom, my face sticky with drying tears and my soul broken to the core.

*********

"I'm like hey, wassup, hello!" I sing cheerily, plopping down next to all my friends at lunch.

"Someone's in a good mood," Zayn says, stuffing his mouth with a cookie. Eleanor Calder has joined us for lunch today, looking over Math notes with Louis, both seemingly stressed out. Danielle Peazer is here as well, sitting on the bench with Jade and the girls. I wave to them both, smiling.

Truth is, I'm in a fucking awful mood. I feel like shit. I've barely slept this whole week and I've been having anxiety attacks and nightmares in the middle of the night. But what my friends don't know, won't hurt them. So might as well keep up this facade.

I take out my lunch from my bag, which isn't really much. Just croissant sandwich and a juice box (hehe). I feel a hand on my shoulder, patting it gently and turn around to see Perrie looking at me with concern in her eyes.

My eyes dart between her hand placed awkwardly on my shoulder and her face before saying, "Erm...Can I help you, Perrie?"

"Just um... making sure you're eating lunch?" she says with an awkward (and slightly creepy) smile on her face.

"...Why? You don't normally monitor my eating habits."

"What do you mean? I do that to everyone!" she turns to her right towards Leigh-Anne. "Do you have lunch today, Leigh?"

She nods with wide eyes as she's in middle of stuffing a Pita sandwich in her mouth.

Perrie spins around to Zayn, and grabs his knee, startling him from his lunch.

"Zayn! Are you eating lunch?" Perrie interrogates him.

He leans away, eyeing her suspiciously before answering slowly, "Yes, Perrie, I-I'm eating biryani. My mum made it for me this morning."

"Zayn's mum makes the best biryani," Louis chimes in, "Anyway, you have 3 seconds to take your hand off of Zayn's knee before something awful happens to you," he smiles at her sardonically.

She quickly recoils her hand back before looking back to me. "Anyway, see Niall! I do that to everyone!"

"Okay..." I look away from her and make eye contact with Jade. We start having a conversation with our eyes.

 _What's up with her?_ I question with my eyebrows furrowed.

She shrugs but I don't believe that she doesn't know anything so I narrow my eyes at her suspiciously.

She sighs in defeat, "Niall, can we talk? Alone?"

I don't know why she wants to talk to me, but it seems like it must be important from the way her eyes glint. She takes my hands and guides me away from our friends. We stop before the corridors of the school and he faces me.

"Is everything okay?" I ask her, concerned.

"I told Perrie."

My heart stops. "...Told her what?" I question, even though I can already predict Jade's answer.

"Everything...Everything about you and your problem and I didn't mean to - I'm sorry," she sputters out.

"You promised not to tell anyone! You promised!" I start pacing around the corridor, panic rising in my chest. I'm trying not to shout at Jade, but I can't seem to stop myself when I do. "I - I can't have more people knowing about this. I can't - I can't - I can't. What if she tells everybody! Th-The whole school will find out and they'll laugh at me! They r-ruin m-me! I CAN'T B-BELIEVE YOU T-TOLD HER! I TRUSTED YOU!"

In the midst of my outburst, Jade has stepped back from me, eyes wide. Around the courtyard, people people have begun to give weird looks in our direction.

Jade whispers now, trying not to bring too much attention to us. "Niall, I'm sorry, okay? It just slipped out during our conversation. Trust me, Niall, Perrie won't tell anyone. I'm sure, please calm down." She looks me over, wavering momentarily before stepping closer to me, warily.

"You know what?" I say, rubbing my eyes out of frustration. "J-Just forget it it, okay."

I turn on my heel without waiting for her reply and stomp off, back to where all of our friends are sitting.

"Is everything okay, Niall? It seems like things got heated back there," Harry asks, worried.

In fact, everyone seems to be worried about me, looking at me with their stupid puppy dog eyes and concern. I hate it. I avoid their eyes when I pick up my lunch and my backpack.

"Everything's spectacular, actually. Thank you for asking, Harry," I reply sarcastically before storming off back into the school. Before I get inside I hear Louis ask, "What's got his knickers in a twist?" I scoff, rolling my eyes as I enter the school.

I walk down the empty corridor before I realize: I have no clue where I'm going. The only reason I left that group was because I needed to get away from them. Away from everyone's prying eyes. When I walked off, I didn't really have a particular destination in mind, so here I am standing in the middle of an empty hallway like a lost puppy.

I look at my watch. It's only one o'clock. There's still about twenty minutes left of lunch. How am I supposed to avoid my classmates for twenty minutes before I have to go to class? I spot the boy's lavatory a few feet away, so I decide to just go in there and wait it out.

When I get in there, it's empty (thankfully).  I don't feel like eating my lunch so I throw it in the bin and slump down against the wall past the urinals. I place my backpack next to me and dig out my phone, not really sure what else I should do in this time. I'm scrolling through Instagram timeline when I come across a picture that Jade posted last night. It's a picture of her pointe shoes in the studio with the caption: "Can't wait for my dance recital on Friday!" with some emojis.

Dance recital on Friday? But today is Thursday...which means it's tomorrow? Christ, I forgot I told Jade that I was going to go. And here I am yelling at her that day before such a big event. I'm an asshole. But it just frustrates me that she promised not to tell anyone about my problem. My thoughts are interrupted  by the opening of the door, startling me. I look up to see Zayn, looking just as surprised as I am.

"Oh. Hey, Niall. I...didn't expect you to be in here," he says awkwardly.

"Were you trying to find me?" I ask, just out of curiosity.

"No, I just needed to piss and this was the nearest loo."

I don't know why, but I'm disappointed. He walks over to the urinal and undoes his zipper. It's about to be really awkward, with me just sitting there watching Zayn pee but thankfully he breaks the silence.

"So why'd you run off? Something happen kwith Jade?"

I contemplate my answer. I can't just tell him why I was so angry at her, can I?

"Can you keep a secret?" I whisper before I can stop myself.

Zayn's eyebrows knit together as he finishes his duty and rezips his jeans. He washes his hands, then sits down in front of me, "What's up?"

"Can you keep a secret?" I repeat because I really need assurance from him.

"Of course, yeah," he looks confused and concerned at the same time.

I hold out my pinky to him just to make sure he's 100%. He rolls his eyes and scoffs likes he's asking if I'm kidding but I just raise my eyebrows, urging him on.

"I pinky promise I will not tell anyone your secret. Cross my heart and hope to die," he mocks, crossing his heart with his free hand while latching his pinky with mine.

"Zayn, please."

His smile falters as he realizes I'm being serious. "Right. Sorry. So what do you have to tell me?"

I take a deep breath. Okay. I have no idea where I'm going with this. I literally have no clue what I'm planning to tell him. Amazing. My brain is a right genius.

"Erm...I'm...bu-bu-bulimic?'

There. I did it. Now THREE people know. Because  _that_ is going to help my situation.

Zayn just looks at me like a confused puppy. He's pouting at me in confusion - literally pouting.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Are you dense? What else could I mean by 'I'm bulimic?'" and now he's really pouting at me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just...what else is there to it?"

"So you puke up all your food after you eat it?"

"Yeah...that's kind of what bulimia is. I binge and then I barf."

"How long have you been doing this?"

I hesitate before answering. "Since I was, erm, 12."

Zayn's eyes widen with horror. "But-But that means-you've been-it's been-but- _five years_."

"Yup," all I can do is simply shrug back at him.

"Five years and I didn't suspect anything," he looks like he's about to cry. I put my head down. "You always used to go to the loo after lunch. I-I always just assumed you had an awful bladder."

We both give each other sad smiles at that. He suddenly engulfs me in a huge hug, wrapping his arms around me tightly and pressing his cheek to my shoulder.

"I'm such a terrible friend! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't believe this. It was right under my nose and I didn't do anything to help!"

He pulls away but still holds on to my shoulders. When I see his face, his eyes are red and filled with tears, his cheeks puffy. I've never seen Zayn like this. "Listen to me, you fucker. You need to stop this. I love you too much to see you get hurt. You hear me? I love you. You're a fucking gorgeous motherfucker. You're so fucking fit. And this is coming from a guy that likes dudes most of the time. You're too good to do this to yourself."

Zayn's still sniffling throughout his whole rant and as serious as I know Zayn is, I can't help but laugh. Well, I snort first. And then I cackle.

"What? What's so funny?"

I try to hold in my giggles but I can't.

"Stop it! I'm serious!" Zayn says but he's trying not to smile, too.

"I love you, too. In, like, a bro way, of course," I quickly add because I know Louis would probably skin me alive if he found out I told Zayn that I loved him.

*********

I tell Zayn everything. About Cowell's class, about how Jade found out, about my recurring nightmares, about how Jade told Perrie about my problem even after I made her promise not to.

And it feels really good. It feels really good to let it all out. Especially to Zayn because I know he won't tell anyone. Because Zayn literally talks to no one and though sometimes it's a curse; in this case, it's a blessing.

"Listen. I think you should forgive Jade. And trust Perrie. I've been hanging out with her a lot lately, much to Louis' dismay, I may add, and she's slowly becoming my best friend. I know she seems like the gossipy-type, considering how  _loud_ she is but really, she's great at keeping secrets. And I know she can keep yours," he tells me reassuringly.

We jump as the bell rings for next period.

"Shit. I totally forgot about the time. I only told them I'd be takin' a piss not a full blown crap!" Zayn says lifting himself off of the tile floor.

"Hopefully they don't think you're puking out your lunch!" I joke.

Zayn turns to me slowly with a straight face. "That's dark, Niall. That's very dark."

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to be facetious."

"That was so, so dark," Zayn whispers, shaking his head as we walk out of the lavatory to our next class.

*********

After English, I head to Jade's locker where she's stuffing her books in her bag. I walk up to her slowly, tapping her shoulder. When she sees me she's surprised, but tries to hide it with a soft smile.

"Niall, I'm so sorry, please forgive m-"

I raise a hand to stop her from continuing. "No, it's okay. I should be the one apologizing, okay? I've just been really stressed lately and I shouldn't have taken it out on you," I explain.

"Oh, it's okay," she smiles. "But I'm still sorry that I told Perrie something that was supposed to be confidential. It was really stupid of me."

"Can't argue with that," I state simply. She rolls her eyes, but I can see she's happy that we've made up. "So, we're all good now? All forgiven and whatnot?"

"Yes, I think we are forgiven- and whatnot," I wrap my arm around her shoulder and kiss her head. "Oh! That reminds me. Don't think I forgot about your ballet recital tomorrow!"

She squeals in excitement. "Ooh! Yay! Everyone is coming then. Zayn, Louis, Liam, Harry, Perrie, Jesy, and Sophia!"

"What about Leigh-Anne and Danielle? And Eleanor?"

"They're part of my studio so they'll be performing, too!"

"Can't wait to see you lot, then. In your tutus and little ballet flats or whatever."

She giggles at my lack of knowledge. "Pointe shoes?"

"Yeah, whatever."

 


	9. Impulsive Thoughts or Actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH AN UPDATE??? AFTER FIVE MONTHS??? I know right, fucking finally. We're really sorry, we've been so caught up with school and dealing with our own shit that we haven't gotten around to writing.
> 
> But. Here we go. And I promise the last chapter will be up before the new year, and I promise it will be good!!
> 
> So thanks for sticking around if you did, and I hope you enjoy this one! It's not nearly as angsty as the last one, but this is just the calm before the storm.
> 
> ALSO: there's a lot of ballet references here, so I have included some helpful guides to help you understand the positions and some of the names of the moves.
> 
> https://balletclassroom.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/ballet-feet-cecchetti1.jpg  
> http://ballethub.com/ballet-terms-dictionary/

**Jade POV**

The red curtains are closed now, but they’ll be open again in two minutes, so me, Eleanor, Danielle and Leigh-Anne best be getting ourselves into position on stage ASAP, the stage manager tells me.

Finally, after months of choreographing and perfecting our piece, this is the day we get to perform it for hundreds to see in the theatre. I’ve quite literally put my heart and soul into this piece, so if I fuck up...well, let’s not think about that.

The lights are down low, but there’s just enough so that we can find our taped spots on the stage, little ‘x’s’ stuck on to the black floor to make sure we’re centered enough for all the audience to see.

We put our feet into fourth position, left foot in tendu. Arms at our sides, ready to be raised softly as the music starts. I’ve chosen ‘Skinny Love’ by Birdy to be the song we dance to, so once the opening piano notes start there’s no going back, no hesitations.

“Ready, guys?” I ask El, Dani and Leigh.

They nod and give me a quick thumbs up.

Last night, I was kind of tossing and turning and worrying the way I do about Niall and the recital. I felt sick to my stomach when I made the dark connection between “Skinny Love” and my skinny love. Or maybe I don’t love him yet, but I think it’s starting. Either way, the song choice and having him in my life is some kind of disturbing coincidence.

Niall texted me while we were backstage saying he and the crew were in the audience, and I’m getting even more nervous about this - what if they think my routine is shit? What if they just don’t get the whole dance thing? I’m psyching myself out.

The stage director motions to me that we have thirty seconds. Those red curtains start to open again. There’s a few seconds of pause, and then, the music.

*****

**Niall POV**

_Come on skinny love, just last the year. Pour a little salt, we were never here._

__

When Jade, Danielle, Leigh-Anne and Eleanor start to move in sync in the music, it’s beautiful. They’re spaced out so that they’re not in the way of each other, but they’re positioned so that Jade is the main dancer and the other girls are her support.

It’s not that I haven’t heard this song before, because I have, considering I’m a fan of Bon Iver and their original version of ‘Skinny Love.’ But it’s still a bit chilling when Birdy’s voice carries the lyrics, Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer. That, plus the emotion being conveyed through Jade’s dancing is a little overwhelming, and I have to look down because for a moment, I just feel so much shame at myself. I know that lyric all too well.

**8\. Impulsive Thoughts or Actions**

I look up again and suddenly I can’t stop watching Jade as she glides across the stage, her long, brown hair pulled up in a bun and a light pink chiffon skirt flying behind her as she moves. It makes her look like she’s floating.

I have no clue what any of the moves she’s doing are called, but I just know this is like, the epitome of grace and beauty right here. Every leap and turn and every time she gets up on her tippy toes is so seamlessly put together and I think I actually start to tear up. To get even cheesier, it’s like the everything surrounding me has just faded away and the only things that exist are me, Jade, and the music, with a single spotlight shining on her.

_Who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall far behind?_

I’m getting caught up in the melody of the song and Jade’s dancing, when the performance starts to draw to a close, which I could honestly only really tell because I know how the song ends. Jade is looking off into the distance surrounded by Danielle, Leigh, and El on the floor circling her. She looks down dramatically, and the curtains begin to close.

When they finish, the whole audience roars with applause and me and the crew get up out of our seats to give them the standing ovation they deserve.

“That’s my girlfriend! My girlfriend choreographed that dance!” I yell. The lot of us laugh and whoop.

Apparently screaming and cheering isn’t proper ballet performance etiquette or something, since we have plenty of people glaring at us and turning around to tell us to shush.

*****

Jade texts at the end of the recital to tell us we can all meet her and the girls backstage. When she spots me her eyes light up and she runs from her place in the shared dressing room to give me a huge, warm hug.

“I come bearing flowers,” I say softly, kissing her head. Our arms are still wrapped around each other, and there’s a bouquet of red roses in one of my hands.

There’s a cough from behind me. When I glance behind me, Louis is standing with Zayn and smirking at us. They walk away, but not before Lou rolls his eyes with a fond smile on his face.

“Thank you for coming, Potato,” Jade says, her voice muffled because she’s still smooshed her face in my chest. She finally lets go and takes the flowers I’m holding out to her. “And thank you for these.”

I smile. She looks so beautiful. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Pickle.”

“What did you think of the dance?” Jade’s big doe eyes are looking at me curiously.

“I loved it. I’m so proud of you,” I reply. “We all are. The curtains closed before you could see, but we were all cheering and screaming and people around us kept telling us to shut the fuck up.”

She laughs at that. Leigh-Anne makes a gagging sound from where she’s sat in her dressing room chair. “Gross,” she says, but there’s a hint of a smile anyway.

“I just hope no one noticed how I messed up the grand battement,” Jade says.

“Babe. I don’t even know what that means. You were perfect,” I reassure her.

Perrie, Jesy, Sophia, Louis and Zayn, Liam, and Harry all come over to give their congrats and well wishes.

“So, guys, what do you say about an after party? After the girls are done changing, of course.” Jesy asks. “Because I just got a text from George saying he’s having a raver at his place.”

Everyone chirps and nods in affirmation. I look to Jade to see if it’s okay.

  
“I’m cool with it,” she says. “I told my parents not to wait up for me since they figured I’d go out with you crazy lot after anyway.”

**  
** “So what are we waiting for then? Get out of your costumes, you four. If there’s no alcohol by the time we get there, I’m blaming you guys,” Jesy says enthusiastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to see the dance I based Jade's around, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXLVBCSEz4U
> 
> "Skinny Love" I thought was the perfect choice considering Niall's character. I did some research into the lyrics, and I guess you could say that Niall is Jade's 'skinny love.' 
> 
> I'm so sorry lmao

**Author's Note:**

> my writing will only get worse from here probably!!!
> 
> follow me on tumblr: caitlinstilinski.tumblr.com shameless self promo!!!! ;))))
> 
> follow shasha too: paynes-malik.tumblr.com lolol


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